Looking for the Good

Welcome to my blog!

As many of you know, I’m currently living abroad in Santander, a small city located on the Northern Coast of Spain. I have been here since October of 2023, enjoying everything the experience has to offer. One of the things this program provides is a rollercoaster of emotions, and I can candidly say that I have felt all of them. These feelings are undoubtedly good for my growth, but I often wish I had a space to express them while sharing my reality here, with those back home. Additionally, I’ve had an urge to improve my writing, but have been unsure of what that looks like. All this to say, I decided to create this “blog” for a multitude of reasons. Whether no one reads it or many people do, I’m thankful for those who are interested in my experience. I’m especially grateful for those who encouraged me towards this adventure in the first place.

Beautiful Santander coast

It’s difficult to know how to start this after already spending four months here and having a lot of thoughts. Admittedly, writing about my experience with the possibility of others seeing is something that makes me nervous. Even more honestly, I’ve thought about doing this since November, but that exact fear prevented me until now. It became one of those things that I’d “do later.” Well, later turned into four months…we’ve all been there.

That shift from “later” to “now” happened when I came back to Santander following Christmas break. The return itself stirred a lot of feelings ranging from homesickness to excitement to feeling alone. An emotional cycle that I assume anyone who has lived abroad will recognize. I was sad to be away from my boyfriend again, and sad to be away from my family whom I haven’t seen since September. I felt dreadful that I wouldn’t see any of them for another five months. That timeline felt like an eternity in those moments. Sometimes it still does.

Such sentimental feelings can be hard to escape if I linger on them for too long. When I do feel down, I try to be gracious with myself (a practice that I’ve consistently struggled with). This is a time for growth - a chance to feel all I can and move forward, even when the feelings aren’t desirable. I can share with you, though, that there is a lot more good than bad. There are many more moments I find myself wanting to stay than wanting to leave. Moments where I know I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. 

I can feel it when I’m with my friends here. When they make me laugh so hard I have tears streaming down my face. I can feel it when my students bombard me with a group hug so powerful it knocks me over. Or when they spend all class asking me about my family, unaware of how much those questions mean to me. I feel it when my teacher, Patry, offers to help me with anything without a second thought. I feel it when other regulars of my kickboxing gym cheer me on, inviting me into their community. I can feel it when admiring the nature around me, too beautiful to seem real. And I feel it when I step foot off a plane and into a new place.

Ella, Brynn, Corrinne, Anna, and I out for girl's night!

As I said, there is a lot more good than bad in this experience. With all the good, I feel that the time here passes in the blink of an eye. Already, I have been back in Santander for two weeks since Christmas break. We’re halfway through January, bringing those five months to four and a half. And yes, that half makes a huge difference! Recently, I’ve had brief moments imagining how difficult it will be to say goodbye - to my students, my teachers, my friends, and Santander itself. But mostly, how hard it will feel to leave the experience altogether. I know that once I board that plane home, I’ll be wishing to do it all over again. It’s cruel how time makes fun of us that way. But perhaps, anticipating those emotions with months remaining is a gift. Maybe it’s time’s way to remind me: make the most of now. Some of my favorite memories here haven’t even happened yet, which is such a beautiful thought.

Long story short, returning to Santander two weeks ago was rough, but it was also transformative. I recognized the moments that fulfilled me drastically outweighed those that made me want to quit and go home. I have created a life for myself here - a community - even if it’s not always apparent. Then again, if you look for good, you’ll find it. I know that it’s okay to turn back if something doesn’t work out, as long as I’ve genuinely tried. “You can always come home” rings in my mind when things are hard, something my parents reassure me. But I know that in this case, I’d be doing myself a disgrace. So, I’ll continue to look for the good. No matter what these remaining months bring me, I’m excited to experience it all. And I’m delighted to share it with you.