Saying Goodbye

The act of saying goodbye is not something that is foreign to me. Growing up, I became accustomed to saying goodbye almost every few years. Despite my years of practice however, farewells never seem to get any easier. These past couple of weeks have been filled with goodbyes and “last times.” Friends from the past year, who feel like I’ve known forever, have flown to their next adventure. As I hesitate to leave their embrace, I feel a mix of mourning and excitement. The latter because my friends have exciting futures and dreams to pursue. But the former because as they leave, I begin losing the backbone of my life in Santander. If there was ever a song to describe how I feel, it would be “Slipping through my fingers” by ABBA. 

Me, Abby, and Brynn

Growing up in the military, I’ve had many beautiful opportunities. I saw a lot of the United States, I cultivated unique passions, and I met a variety of people. But one thing I feel I often searched for, was a group of friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have had beautiful and genuine friendships that I will always cherish. But perhaps other girls will understand that what I was craving, was the thing they show in movies. The group of girls who are close and do everything together, the friends who see each other completely and choose to stay (I often think of Carrie Bradshaw and the gang for this example). I know that these friendships with other women exist - I have found many throughout my life, but of course they take more work than what Hollywood shows. And they are harder to find than we’re made to believe.

The girls after our last meal all together + Ella behind the camera

It is truly something special when you find someone who sees all of you and loves you even more for it. I feel incredibly blessed that I was able to find multiple connections like that this year. I’m not sure if it’s my age and in turn, a little more maturity, or something else, but I feel that the past year and a half-ish has been a turning point in my life friend-wise. From my university friends to the girls I’ve met in Santander, I feel like I’ve learned the meaning of love that only a friend can provide. I’ve been lucky to experience love with my boyfriend as well, but there’s a unique type of love between friends that not even a boyfriend can provide (no matter how great!) This idea reminds me of a quote by Dolly Alderton in her book All I Know About Love (something everyone should read). The quotes reads: “Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learnt from my long-term friendships with women.”

Our last night out in Santander

So, needless to say that saying goodbye to the women who have become my lifeline in Spain was difficult. Knowing that we will all continue with life but in different places. Aware that our weekend ritual of time together will no longer be a reality. It’s all too much to wrap my head around at the moment. It's sad that pursuing one thing may require you to say goodbye to another. How come no one tells you about this heartache of growing up?

Posing with a vintage car in Canary Islands

My other farewells were not any easier. My last day of work was last Wednesday, and I still can’t believe that I will never be a teacher to my students again. I don’t understand how teachers do this every year. My kids have gained a part of my heart. I could feel the strain in my chest and tightening in my throat while saying goodbye to them. In some ways, this sendoff was even harder than the one with my friends. My girls I know I’ll see again someday. My students I very well may never see again. How is one supposed to accept that? And my teachers, how do I thank them enough for everything they’ve done for me? How do I explain to them that they have given me a gift far greater than a place in their classroom. I know I tend to feel things deeply, so perhaps this may seem dramatic to some, but the beauty of these relationships makes me cry. The power of connection is fierce. I wish I knew a word to describe the feeling I get when I connect with another person. It feels like my soul is opening up like doors swinging open, with strings pouring out, tying themselves to everyone who has moved me. My teachers and students have many of my strings.

Me with some of my students after they gifted me with a book of drawings from each of them

The goodbyes I had with other people were definitely the most challenging for me. The physical landmarks weren’t easy by any means, but I feel that my childhood experience has allowed me to see landmarks more as just things, and the memories behind them hold the value. For example, packing up my room and leaving my apartment for the last time was sad, but what was even sadder was knowing that there wouldn’t be any more memories there. The truth of the matter is, it wouldn’t have mattered what apartment we lived in, because it was only complete with the people who filled it.

Girl's night captured by Brynn's film camera

As I say all this, there was a moment while packing my room where I was overcome with emotion. I made a habit the past nine months to print and tape pictures to my wall. It added a sense of familiarity within my own space. It also was a visual reminder of all I’ve done and of those back at home who helped me get there. One picture I had hung up was a selfie from my college graduation. This truthfully was the last picture I expected to make me emotional, but taking it down induced tears. I have changed drastically from a year ago. The girl in that picture is me, but she is unaware of what awaits her. Of the friends she will make. Of the places she will see. And of the challenges she will push through. It’s ironic because the few days before I came to Spain back in September, I was really nervous. I was at the point where I was not wanting to go, but I am so happy that I did. Sometimes, the harder decision is the right one.

Me, Ella, Anna, Brynn, and Abby enjoying Anna's comfy bed

As I think about this idea that a year ago, I was clueless as to what the future held, I am reminded that the same is true for me now. As I enter a new adventure, I am both nervous and excited, much like how I was about this experience. I think it’s easy for people in their twenties (and perhaps at every age) to feel like we’re running behind or that we aren’t making the right decision. But the truth of it all, is that no one is “behind” and that making the “wrong” decision is better than not making a decision at all. Life can go any possible way, and it’s beautiful that we don’t know the outcome for ourselves. It keeps us on our toes. I think it’s incredible that I still haven’t met all the people I’m going to love yet, nor have I met all those that will love me. The same is true for everyone. I guess what I’m trying to say through all this mumble jumble, is that I have no idea what this next year will hold for me, but neither did recent graduate me, and she’s turned out fine.

My ridiculous number of suitcases - but I'm going back with the same number I came with!

As I am mourning what life was in Santander, I am also excited to welcome my family to Spain as we travel the next month. I get to show them snippets of my life both in Madrid and in Santander, which is something that feels really special. I also am excited to simply spend time with my family, whom I haven’t seen since September. In some ways it feels strange to have two separate worlds merge. In all honesty, I have separated my life in the states from my life here, and I’ve somewhat forgotten how it feels to live in the US. It’ll be interesting to adjust to my life back home. But my family has never seen me in this environment, so while it will be fun for me to play tour guide, hopefully it’ll be fun for them to see a different part of me. As I enter this new chapter, I am excited to see what it holds and to share it with you in this space.